Thursday, June 28, 2007
Feeling a little burnt out lately, so it's nice that I have some opportunities to get away coming up.
This weekend I'm driving up to Wisconsin with Sherry and Allie for a wedding. It'll be nice to nice to spend some time with my two youngest sisters. Then, for the 4th, Julie is coming out to Chicago with her husband and two sons.
After that, I'm heading off for my annual cabin weekend with some friends. Here's an anticipatory e-mail exchange.
Nick: So, dudes, pretty exciting about the new pontoon boat, eh? I am going to try and learn the ropes this weekend, but it is imperative we don't maroon it in the shallows. I will be the first one to use it on my own, so please don't make me regret it.
Me: "[hand slowly reaches for steering wheel]"
Hansen: "[places ballsac gingerly on handrails]"
Trupe: "[softly weeps over Meador's bloated, seaweed-strewn corpse]"
Me: "[makes a nonsensical but somehow convincing argument for not notifying the police]"
Meador: "[releases methane as Hansen pokes at swollen abdomen]"
"Things That Will Happen At The Cabin
1. While I defiantly nap in the second bedroom, Arnie will cradle an unconscious opossum in my arms
2. Meador will fall down the stairs on the back porch and hit his forehead on the corner of the Washers box, giving him a perfect triangle scar that won't coagulate
3. Hansen will show up Saturday night with a loaded .45 he found on the side of the road
4. Arnie will discover his latent S'mores allergy and break out in throat-closing internal hives
5. Nick and Young will argue over how to tie a clove hitch knot, and Young's wild gesticulating will throw us in the water
6. Martin will need to improvise semaphore to signal for help to an elderly couple across the lake when a strain of aggressive lake-moss won't peel off my face
7. Meador will become violently mesmerized by a test pattern on the TV set, breaking Nick's humerus with a single jerk
8. A fevered round of Catchphrase will unearth the horrifying details of Hansen's two-week murder binge in the mid 80's
9. Young will nibble on a beautiful leaf and discover its hallucinatory properties right before drinking boiling bacon grease from the pan
10. Martin will get dysentery from the mouthful of river water he jokingly drank while doing an oddly hilarious Native American bit
11. Nick will insist on making our own wine for dinner on Saturday, and despite the scorpion-sting headaches we all get in our temples, it is really pretty delicious
12. Arnie will make a cryptic toast during flip-cup that makes us all nervous about going to sleep
13. Young will dominate in Washers all weekend, branding his forearm with a white hot washer to commemorate his victory
14. Martin and Hansen will accidentally wave to a pair of hulking brothers as they idle by in the no-wake zone, causing them to open fire on us with homemade paintball guns
15. While dislodging my flip-flop from a muddy alcove, I'll discover the decaying bodies of two small children, clutching each other in fear for all of eternity
16. While horsing around, Nick will find an unmarked VHS tape beneath a floorboard; we will all be too paralyzed by possibility to view it
17. Young will sit outside the Pickwick while we, inside, watch Transformers and giggle with childish abandon
18. Meador will impulsively buy a vintage chiffarobe in Valparaiso and later find an eyeless doll head in the bottom drawer
19. A cabal of wolf spiders will burrow in Arnie's beard and Hansen will need to powerwash it out
20. Upon successful grilling of the corn, we will all high-five simultaneously, creating an echo that blasts out our eardrums and renders us deaf for over three hours
21. An Indian leg-lock, applied by an enraged Young, will dislocate Martin's hip, who, subsequently refusing medical attention for unknown reasons, will slam it back into place against an unassuming birch tree, causing Arnie to barf immediately
22. During an impromptu game of running bases, Nick will peg me in the base of my skull with a tennis ball scavenged from a nearby dog cage; as a result, I will have disjointed night terrors for the duration of the trip
23. Meador will eat a completely raw brat out of principle; our concern and mockery will cause him to eat another one in the same fashion, only this time rolling it in cobwebs from the screen door
24. To defend against the lurching tentacles of a long-dormant lake monster, everyone will band together and pilot the pontoon straight into the bowels of hell; Nick will wipe away an errant tear before dutifully exploding it with a flaming harpoon, saving Blueberry Island entire"
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